November 5, 2010
August 18, 2010
July 27, 2010
I've hit a problem now though. The dead man's daughter was supposed to blame my protagonist for the murder, but I don't think she can do that in the state she's in right now... In fact, I think I've made her too loveable. I'll let my muse play with that then.
(Ay, I also made the death scene much more gruesome than anticipated... like blood and chunks of body missing... It's a surprise my story is about delicious egg yolks and ham).
July 17, 2010
July 15, 2010
June 22, 2010
June 16, 2010
June 2, 2010
May 31, 2010
Currently it deffinately be These Children are Immortal because it's a story I wrote staying more honest to myself than ever before and believing in myself.
May 28, 2010
May 24, 2010
May 17, 2010
There's an issue with goal making... that is, I'm quite horrible at it. Ever since the month started I've been working on that Harry Potter fanfiction and yet I haven't written a single word of prose. I have been busy though, researching tedious details to make sure I get as close to the canonical Harry Potter as possible, but all this often feels pointless, vain, a good excuse not to write, etc.
In fact it is extremely important that I perform all that research; if I don't do it now I would have had to do it later. The feeling of inadequacy derives mainly from the fact, yet again, that I am unemployed and it feels like I am taking all this time for granted (How would I do all that research if I had day work to do), it's also because I don't take the time to write everyday (I tend to take the massive note taking and research as writing). It doesn't really matter what I write or how much I write but I have to write. If I feel I haven't been fulfilling my goals (Firstly because I don't know how to consider research as a goal. All month I've been telling myself "Today I'm going to write" completely overlooking the ominous researching) it's probably because I haven't been taking a moment to write, and Lord I have tons of things to write so what am I waiting for?
I discovered this wonderful website, which will come in handy in calming the storm of anxiety from lack of goal achievement. It is called OneWord, one word appears and inspires you and you then have 60 seconds to write up what desires to come out. For days where I haven't found time to write or haven't been writing, this little exercise is highly soothing.
May 10, 2010
May 8, 2010
May 3, 2010
May 1, 2010
What a perfect subject for the first of the month. In fact, I am writing a fan fiction right now and it is my monthly project. I was wondering what project to jump into after a month of writing a 100-page screenplay. I didn't want anything too heavy and I had a fan fiction project marinating inside my head for a while now. There you have it, a light, exciting, but non-the-less educational (for myself most of all) fan fiction.
It is a Harry Potter fan fiction. Common trite you say? Maybe, but I am in love with J. K. Rowling's world and am quite sad I can't write from that world for the entirety of my career (Well I could, I'm afraid the income would be minimal though. Aya!).
You will have on cyberspace, sometime starting this month, the chronicles of the life of Icarus Fairchild. It's set in Hogwarts when Professor Dumbledor himself was a student. Icarus Fairchild is not quite like Harry Potter's tale, it could be canon, and it exploits the magical world as much as possible without being forceful.
In any case, I can't wait to start publishing. I do hope to get a lot of criticism. The bad, to learn to live with it. The good, to keep learning this craft of possibilities that is writing. It would be nice to build a little network as well.
There is much to learn from writing fan fictions. I've decided to throw my reticence aside and go for it. Fan fictions aren't only for fun, they are just as much a learning tool for the aspiring author as writing short stories would be. And they are a great source of fun for the hardcore fan... which I am... hehe
Just on a side note, I am not the kind of person that would write a fan fiction for any good ol' story that I enjoyed. No. I have to be crazy about it, an uber nerd about it. The Legend of Zelda is another good example of something I might write fanfic to (Cause I'm an uber geek for it. That series moves me sooo much). In fact, I have a Zelda fanfic strutting inside of me... first things first though!
PS. Harry Potter and Zelda are the most fanficked franchises... I know I'm the greater fan though. Hehe.
April 27, 2010
April 25, 2010
April 21, 2010
April 17, 2010
- There’s a spider living in my room. I haven’t the heart to kill it and I haven’t the heart to pick it up and throw it outside. I’ve come to a conclusion by letting it live, letting it walk on my walls day in and day out… Spiders have very pointless lives. Still I don’t think it miserable so I will spare it.
- I’m more than halfway done my screenplay and sometimes I love it and sometimes I don’t but I’m scared. I feel I should be done by now because I don’t have work or school and it should be my priority but at the same time I feel I really should stick to my pace (4 pages a day). I don’t know what to do and though I’m proud to be doing well I feel restless.
- I don’t know much about paints and I have no clue how to jump into the world of paints… I feel stagnant once more.
- I am currently plotting and world building and character building for a story idea I’ve got. The first time I had the spark for the story I fell in love, then I tried getting deeper and I fell out of love but I really wanted to make it work. One day I filled in a bunch of questions on characters and plot and I didn’t think much of it. I still felt terrible. I would answer more questions and my characters felt even more wrong. Then yesterday I reread that first questionnaire and I realized I had been recently building on the wrong concepts. My characters in that first questionnaire were amazing! I fell in love once more.
- Tones: I’m making a list of tones I am lenient towards but that make me feel gross. Clichés, contemporary, easy, etc. I think I may find MY tones once I cross out all the ones that aren’t, from the eternal list of tones.
April 15, 2010
April 10, 2010
April 7, 2010
This is my face? How could this be me? People look at me and they see this? What’s so special about this face? Nothing really, I’m sure it would blend skillfully into the crowd. That’s good to know, now I can stop worrying about people judging me and putting me down, how could they if they can’t even single me out. This is not a child’s face. I do not appear younger than everyone my own age…
Good. Now that I know my body doesn’t give off the wrong image, it gives off no image; I know that people don’t know what my soul is like. Good good, that means they aren’t wrong about me yet. Good. Now all I need is for my body to give off the image of my soul.
Soul is disembodied. Soul doesn’t figure to the body at all. Identity does. Identity is the image the body gives off. My body will never be as my soul and vice versa, but at least I can be happy in it. If my body becomes what my soul dreams of in this « tangible’ world, wouldn’t that make me happy in recapitulation? How do I make that happen? Be myself?
So I found that looking in a mirror and talking to yourself can be hours of fun. I honestly feel for the past few days that I am talking to someone else. It feels good to see yourself as someone else. It’s easy to interact with others when you don’t realize you’re there. You don’t worry about the image your body is making your soul look like. But when you do, you start to justify in circles and move in circles instead of forward. So? Why not talk to yourself without realizing you’re there? Magnificent process that works wonders. I will know what my soul says when I’m not thinking about it and will be able to know myself? I’ve been a happy dreamer for the past week. I want a mirror in my room now.
1. Jean Carriès (1855-1894)
Grotesque mask, element for the Monumental Door, 1891/1894
Photo : Philippe Ladet/Petit Palais/R. Viollet
April 4, 2010
April 1, 2010
March 31, 2010
In a few hours it will be midnight. I'm not sure if it's like this for everyone but to me that means it'll be April first (April fools if you prefer). One thing is for sure, this grand adventure I'm about to embark on is not a joke. 100 pages of screenplay in ONLY 30 days. Ask me how I feel about this? I'm really excited.
For the past month I haven't been going to school and I don't have a job so I've been watching movies, reading screenplays, taking a bunch of notes, and plotting for my awesome screenplay. Now that April is upon us I will have to write a minimum of 3.3 pages a day (though I'm planning to write 4, or more if inspiration sparks).
What I'm looking forward to is to being called up for a job interview, getting a job, getting a bunch of obstacles in my way, and still getting through this screenplay. It would make my heart sing if life became unpredictable, if I was thrown left and right and through it I managed to find my own way, accept it, and come out of this experience just that more grown up. God knows I've got so much to learn on every side of this circular geometric life (that includes: scriptwriting, time management, and who I am).
My screenplay is an adaptation of the children's novel "Perloo the Bold" by Avi. I chose this novel because I am a little Perloo myself. I think I have everything I need, I think I'm fine doing everything on my own, I think dreaming my life away is a great escape, and yet I fear the future, I fear to live life, I fear the challenge of being myself.
I foresee this movie would be a family animation: Funny and cute, but inspiring for people of all ages, for various reasons, for various ways of seeing the world. I will enjoy this month, following the rabbit-like montmers and their tales on Rasquich Mountain. I hope to learn from them every step of the way.
Wish me a bunch of unexpecteds this month! I'll update every once in a while, tell you what my furry friends are up to.
"Perloo the Bold" cover art by Harvey Chan
March 26, 2010
"Something tells me I don't importWhile I long for all to see me.I get attatched to bodies;A suicidal jumper on the edge of a cliff..."
"Through torture you can get whatever you wantBut remember it's my passion you're taking it out on.We've yet to find a day where my projects aren't at stakeAnd your power to collaborate, not a dead end fate."
March 24, 2010
I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
"But I'm lying here, half asleepAnd the alarm is ringing so it's hard to keepMy eyes closed...I'm barely sleeping.My dreams are seepingOut of my grasp.It's a slow eye movement."
"And the golden birds fly over the mountainWhere the royal heart bleeds,And the quest to the river of bloodIs held by tiny blind green men...""The soul in me; the ghost in me.The ghost in you; the soul in you.The concrete shoes, they're pulling us down.It's a sorry potential."
March 22, 2010
Well I realize now that fighting this feeling inside me, this obstacle, is not vain at all. I tell myself this all the time when I have the flu and I’m shivering and my muscles ache and it’s hard to ingest or digest, your throat is burning and you have cold sweats all over… I tell myself to fight the disease, not the pain, to simply endure the pain because once I am healed I will feel better and the memory of the hurt will merely make me stronger. Why should I keep this bit of knowledge from myself when I am down in the dumps?
That’s how my outlook is more positive now. I’m not sure whether depression is a “dentist” or a “cancer”; in my case it might have become a bit of both. Whatever it is, I have learnt so much about life because of this and though most people will not see me as a hero or an inspiration for surviving it, when others have to go to the dentist after me, if I have kids one day, I could share my tale. “Don’t worry. The dentist hurts for a little bit. You feel horrible and have a fever, trying to vomit for hours, but it’ll pass. Once you are better, whether everyone knows what’s happened to you, whether you’ve learnt anything from it, it doesn’t matter, you’re free now, go forward, you can share this with your kids later.”
Now I know why I should try to be happy. It’ll become easier and easier to quit this redundant habit of mine.
*Smiling mask by Kathleen Carr http://www.kathleentcarr.com/-/kathleentcarr/
March 21, 2010
"My dear May,
Do not find me hasty for writing you this letter so soon. I know very well you’ve never set eyes on written words yet. I am aware if I was to give you this letter now you would merely snatch the paper out of my hands, drool on the ink, and giggle at the running words. Do not think me arrogant either. I do not claim to being anything grandiose, but this sacrifice, it is bigger than life. I will not accept to forget it, not completely at least, or I may come to believe I was not a good father and that’s all I have now. I do hope one day you will choose to recognize what I have given you.I was once a king, and once the leader of a utopic anarchy. (...)"
March 19, 2010
Yesterday I slept through my radio alarm and instead I woke up to the phone ringing. The call was to inform me that I was late for my Dentist’s appointment and that I would have to reschedule. I felt quite dreadful. I don’t know why this happens to me, but whatever I do, no matter how subtle or honest I am I always end up looking like I’m out of it, clumsy, and indolent. I am no slacker believe me. I am usually earlier than on time, but for some reason these mishaps curiously always happen at the worst times.
I usually have trouble telling others what I do with my days because to them reading and writing and all the small things I do to keep on learning is not anything that helps me forward, so I’ve got nothing to answer and I look so worthless. And I am trying to get a job even though it feels oh so awful, but really it only looks like I’m slacking, doing my best to avoid employment and continue to leech off of others. I absolutely despise leeching! I probably look like I’m justifying my sluggishness with pathetic excuses right now… Well this is complicated!
Needless to get into a spiral of justifying justifications, because, though I had missed my appointment, I ran to the dentist
I found I could work around her questions, with genuine honesty, and manage to express myself and be understood. Although I was at the dentist’s, a place that is so esthetically far away from who I truly am, I felt like myself (I still don’t know what that is though), I felt comfortable.
(Pictures from Public Record Office Victoria and Ontario Archives)
March 14, 2010
So I realize now, more than ever, that life is ups and downs. I mean, you always know this; you feel it. One day everything goes well and you know what you’re doing and you’re motivated to the max, and the next there’s a foggy wall in front of you and you feel terrifyingly blue and stagnant.
I haven’t been writing on my blog for a while now, ‘cause I hadn’t the ambition. That is my worst enemy really. Lack of ambition and low self-confidence, they’re deadly. They are the reason I long to dream, make my dreams tangible realities, to enjoy every chunk of life like the pulp of a grapefruit, to shout out my name, my stories, my essence to the world, and yet do nothing… absolutely nothing! I’m a slimy thing, I think sometimes. I feel as though I would be an outsider looking onto myself and being ashamed of what I see. I felt recently I should take life more positively, set positive goals such as: write in my blog. And precise goals such as: write updates on your new journey.
While the absurdity of life whips into me every time I raise my spirits enough to move slightly forward I’ve taken a few decent steps yet into the me, the personification of my beautiful mind (as opposed to my repulsive mind), the who who may not be me in actions but in the things I say. What I say doesn’t make me who I am, not to others at least, but I have a goal. I learnt though that blurry goals aren’t good goals and gosh am I ever so hazy to my own self. I do seem quite pretentious and condescending, I feel and know I know extensive human knowledge, but I’ve become proud in spite of my humility. It may be self-defense for some strange feeling of uselessness but that’s beyond the point. I have come to terms and admitted to myself outright that I do not know whom I am and I do not know what I want, AND these things scare me a lot. It was hard to admit it because I’m very cynical, and cynical people know what they’re up to… obviously.
So, like I said earlier, I’ve taken my first steps to finding answers to these questions: First, I dropped out of school. School is frankly very easy, just do what you have to do, so it was hard for me to leave to something muddled like myself on my own. I’d been in school from Illusion through to Disillusion and my face was crammed into the academic state of mind and I could take no distance from it all to find myself. The only thing I knew was that I was unhappy, that I was surrounded by unprofessional peers, that I wasn’t creating from myself at all, and that I did not have any opportunity to live the symbiotic existence everyone should have with their own soul.
I have left school with a vague goal in mind. I thought this vague goal was quite enough and hated my parents and former teachers and psychologists and orientors for being skeptical and always asking questions like “What are you planning to do now?” I despised them like this was some sort of condescendingly stupid question. I’d answer: get a job, read, write, I’m just gonna wing it… And I was too fearful to answer: I don’t know! I haven’t got a clue! I don’t know what I truly want at all. My wants are all so diverse and contradicting, so what is my ideal life’s goal? Well, these questions, and more, are my journey.
I need to experience life and let things hit me before I rationalize them. I need life to prove me wrong on so many levels. I plan to get a job (not a career), go on a humanitarian trip and break down all my stubborn ideals, to explore the world and myself, to learn arts through mentors and personal practice and who knows what epiphanies I will come to? Maybe I will want to go back to school; maybe I will desire to keep living like a bohemian. Whatever it is, it’s now or never that I must hunt for happiness and fulfillment in life ‘cause we only have one life and we’ll have to give it back some day. Wanting to live my soul is a hazy goal but it feels slightly like this and that is something I don't want to pass me by.
Wanting to live my soul is a hazy goal but it feels slightly like this and that is something I don't want to pass me by.